What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 02:17
I was seconnd youngest,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I have no regrets .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
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I was very sick at this time too.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Are you afraid to get married and why?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
All the time i was locked up.
This is soul school!.
So, i spoilt her more .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One cannot live in the past .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Would this be the day?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i lived it daily.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She found it foreign!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So whats the point in blame.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She loved him until the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was scared of men, in general
I couldn’t, believe it.
I will be 64.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I said to her
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im still living with it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..